Waiting for Confirmation and Other Ramblings

In my last post I said I paid attention to my body so that I wouldn't ask a kajillion questions about what is "normal."  Yeah, so it turns out I'm just asking different questions.  The most frequent things I question are related to appetite and emotions.  Here are some examples:
-I want something salty.  (Do I usually want salty snacks?)
-I am crying at a cheesy movie.  (Would I cry at this moment if I weren't pregnant?)
-I'm thirsty.  (Do I usually drink this many fluids?)
-Awh, someone just said something really sweet about me.  (I feel like I'm about to cry, is that normal for me?)
-Do we have any chips in the house?  (What's with the salty snacking these days?)
You see what I'm saying?

Remember that post about how great the shots were going?  Things have changed.  I guess it takes dily shots for a prolonged period of time to piss off my glut muscles, and we have reached that point.  I have a large, sore bump the size of a small sand dollar on each of my hips.  And P says they are looking red.  I've been on the IM injections daily for about 3 weeks, with as many as 9 more to go.  I see my accupuncturist tomorrow and I hope she has some relief to offer.  The discomfort isn't constant; I seem to notice it most when I am walking or as I lay or sit down.

I don't recall how this conversation came up, but a really nice guy at work said to me and the woman who sits next to me, "I'm so glad we've all chosen not to have kids.  My friends keep having kids and I get so angry.  Don't they know about overpopulating the planet?"  Whoa.  I get that we are all 35-40 year-olds in long-term committed relationships without children, and none of us talk about having children at work, but he made a big leap in assuming we don't want children.  When there was a bit of a break I reacted by saying, "Don't get too excited about that because we do hope to have children.  I get what you're saying about overpopulation, but it doesn't bother me until couples have more than 2 children.  Also, at lunch I was reading my book and there was a part where the main character was asked to take a picture of her husband and son with the deer they killed hunting.  She was initially repulsed and then realized this scene has been repeated over and over since our ancesters scractched images of their bison hunt on a cave wall.  She decided killing animals might be as instinctual as conceiving children."  He agreed that people are compelled to have children with or without reason and appologized for his assumption.  Then he asked if we were going to adopt and I said, "Maybe," then quickly realized I couldn't live with that answer and added, "But we want to try and have children of our own."  Then I felt like I might cry.  How could I be faced with this conversation at work this week?  How could I almost lie about how hard we have worked to conceive?  It is so hard to talk about becoming parents when we are in this space of waiting to know for sure.  I imagine it will be even harder after we have confirmation and before the end of the first trimester.  It seems like answers just lead to more questions.

Keep your eyes on Sugar and Spice over at Hail Mary tomorrow (Wednesday).  They are waiting for confirmation, but their 2WW has been stretched into a 3WW.  Give them your love!

Keep it in Perspective

I joined the TTC blogging community so that I could share my genuine thoughts about the process.  I have toyed with sharing Hope Coaster with a few friends interested in our journey, and have refrained thus far.  While I am excited and hopeful about becoming a mom, it's nice to have a place to admit there are miserable/scary/stressful/frustrating moments trying to get there.  I trust that those of you who are or have gone through this understand when I complain it isn't because I don't think it is worth it.

Yesterday I read the, Parenthood Got You Down? and the basic gist is that we need this kind of space as parents, too.  My favorite line is, "I don't mean at all to suggest that having kids is bad.  Just that sometimes it can get you down.  Parents do themselves - and their peers - no favors by pretending otherwise."

Annual Review

I had my annual review at work today.  It was my first review at this job and I have had 3 bosses in the year and a half I've been here.  It was interesting to take look back at all that I've done and experienced during that time.  I know I do a good job and give my best effort so I wasn't really worried, but the nerves do creep in until I see what is written on that piece of paper.  I was pleased with what was written, and I relaxed.

This calendar marker in my professional life leads me to think about a review of my personal life the last year.  In August 2010 we were still jumping through hoops leading up to TTC, with my first IUI in October.  I find it interesting that I went into that cycle with confidence and excitement and one BFN after another really squashed my optimism.  After about 4 of them I stopped believing IUI's would work, and I was anxious to move on to the magical IVF.  Surprisingly (to me), after the 6th BFN and the decision to move forward to IVF my optimism did not return.  Over the summer my hope has been growing as we do testing and prepare my body. The last few days I event feel excited.  So, looking back at the full year it truly has been a roller coaster in the hope department and I'm nearing the summit of positive emotions at a crucial time.

Problem Solving

My body is telling me something.  I have woken up between 5:30-6:00am for the last 5 days (I usually get up at 7) with an upset stomach.  I take a low dose SSRI daily to manage anxiety, but every once in awhile something stresses me so much that I get a miserable flare up.  The early waking and upset stomach are some classic signs for me, and they are usually accompanied by circling thoughts of worry.  This time (so far) I don't have the worried thoughts, so it is completely clear to me the root source of my anxiety, all I know is that my body is telling me I'm wound up tight.

It's not really surprising that someone who suffers from anxiety would have a particularly hard time with it while TTC.  People who don't have anxiety share a lot of "what ifs" related to process and outcome.  I am questioning whether I will produce enough healthy follicles?  What if I produce too many and get hyperstimulated?  What if I don't get pregnant?  In my 5th and 6th IUI cycles I felt like I knew it would take IVF, and I guess I expected that would work for us.  Now that we're here, about to try IVF I'm not as confident.

I know it is best to be optimistic and I think I need inspiration so I'm rethinking my plan to only follow TTC blogs.  There are so many blogs out there I had decided to focus on building community with people in the same place as me. While that is helpful, I've only been following TTC blogs for about 6 weeks and so far no one has gotten the BFP.  Perhaps I should also follow a couple people who have had recent success with IVF.  So, who should I read up on and follow?

Hello Strangers!

Here is the back story...

P and I started down the TTC path over a year ago.  She is a 40-something and I'm a 30-something, which makes me the obvious choice to carry our baby.  It's not that simple, though, as I have never had a regular cycle  and I have multi-cystic ovaries.

In spring 2010 we were so ready to start TTC, but ended up having a very drawn out series of appointments and referrals (see TTC Timeline).  We finally jumped through all of the necessary hoops and did a clomid challenge with IUI in October 2010.  I was fortunate to responde to clomid with no side effects.  I was so excited and hopeful, so the BFN hit me hard, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT PREGNANT?  It is such a roller coaster going from high hope, to deep disappointment, to needing to build hope for the next cycle that has already begun.

In my 3rd clomid cycle our hopes were dashed even earlier, because I didn't produce any follicles.  I took provera to induce AF, then Dr B prescribed an increased dose of clomid just before she left on maternity leave.  It was a struggle to be optimistic (even thought I knew it was important).  I responded to the increased dose in my 4th clomid cycle, but failed to respond again in my 5th clomid cycle.  The NP, in consultation with another RE at the clinic, recommended I switch from clomid to letrizole to see if I would hav a more consistent response.  While thankfully I did respond consistently, unfortunately I got 3 more BFNs.  Our plan was to do 6 IUIs and if I didn't get pregnant then move on to IVF, which is where we are now.

During my 5th TWW we met up with a group of friends I worked with at a summer camp during college.  It turned out to be an unexpected and refreshing source of community.  I hadn't connected the fact that every lesbian couple was either parenting a toddler, pregnant, or TTC.  One person said she appreciated reading blogs when she was TTC and pregnant and recommended it as a source of community.  When I got home I took that advice and have enjoyed reading stories so similar to my own.  I've decided to jump in and start my own.  Even if no one follows it I find writing to be a therapeutic and helpful process.