I had my annual review at work today. It was my first review at this job and I have had 3 bosses in the year and a half I've been here. It was interesting to take look back at all that I've done and experienced during that time. I know I do a good job and give my best effort so I wasn't really worried, but the nerves do creep in until I see what is written on that piece of paper. I was pleased with what was written, and I relaxed.
This calendar marker in my professional life leads me to think about a review of my personal life the last year. In August 2010 we were still jumping through hoops leading up to TTC, with my first IUI in October. I find it interesting that I went into that cycle with confidence and excitement and one BFN after another really squashed my optimism. After about 4 of them I stopped believing IUI's would work, and I was anxious to move on to the magical IVF. Surprisingly (to me), after the 6th BFN and the decision to move forward to IVF my optimism did not return. Over the summer my hope has been growing as we do testing and prepare my body. The last few days I event feel excited. So, looking back at the full year it truly has been a roller coaster in the hope department and I'm nearing the summit of positive emotions at a crucial time.
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BFN. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My Heart Sank
I have been following In Flux's blog and my heart sank when I read this post this morning.
The BFNs are miserable (each one worse than the previous, in my opinion), but I haven't thought about the end of the line being a BFN and it could be. I was shaken by the transition to starting an IVF cycle after IUIs, what will happen to me if IVF doesn't work? So many of you in blogland have pulled yourselves up by the bootstraps and kept on trying. That is the hope that I hold onto and appreciate.
At the same time, I have learned it is important to *imagine* what my friends are going through. I used to say, "I can't imagine...," when I really meant, "I don't want to imagine...." While imagining is hard and usually terrifying/horrifying/depressing, it helps me be a more sensitive and caring friend. Of course I can't really *know* what my friend is experiencing, but I can at least do my best to imagine.
So today I imagine what J and M are going through. The disappointment is raw and the questions about what life will look like going forward are plentiful. My heart breaks for them.
The BFNs are miserable (each one worse than the previous, in my opinion), but I haven't thought about the end of the line being a BFN and it could be. I was shaken by the transition to starting an IVF cycle after IUIs, what will happen to me if IVF doesn't work? So many of you in blogland have pulled yourselves up by the bootstraps and kept on trying. That is the hope that I hold onto and appreciate.
At the same time, I have learned it is important to *imagine* what my friends are going through. I used to say, "I can't imagine...," when I really meant, "I don't want to imagine...." While imagining is hard and usually terrifying/horrifying/depressing, it helps me be a more sensitive and caring friend. Of course I can't really *know* what my friend is experiencing, but I can at least do my best to imagine.
So today I imagine what J and M are going through. The disappointment is raw and the questions about what life will look like going forward are plentiful. My heart breaks for them.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Takin' it Up a Notch
Last Sunday (7/10) we got my 6th IUI BFN. On the one hand I wasn't surprised, why should this one work when the last 5 haven't? On the other hand, I was disappointed because I really wanted this to work.
When we scheduled the blood test Dr B also recommended scheduling a consultation for IVF the following day, which could be cancelled if we got a BFP and would keep us on schedule to start IVF with my next cycle if we wanted to move forward. So we went to the consultation with Dr B, who we love. She gave us stats and info on women my age and answered our questions. P got all teary hearing that even though we're a gay couple and hadn't tried on our own before coming to the clinic, our chances of being successful with IUI's is very slim. I think she continued holding out hope that we did not need to move on to such a complicated and invasive method. She heard what she neded to hear in order to feel like moving on to IVF was the right thing for us. With that decided, we met with the IVF nurse about paperwork and all of the steps involved. We've done all of our IUIs at the clinic so it sounded like a familiar process until we get to the third month.
When AF arrived on Wednesday I scheduled my baseline U/S. I went to the appt Thursday and that is when it hit me this is a big deal. My ovaries look normal (for me, with many small cysts)but then Dr B launches into a discussion about me being a high risk for hyperstimulation. I thought that was a good thing - lots of eggs to choose from - and she had to explain how serious it can be. It's not the eggs but the bodily response to producing so many eggs that is very risky. It could mean freezing all of my embryos, waiting a month for my body to recover and regulate, and then do an FET. Hmm, so you're saying this could be be a 4 month process instead of 3. Next I met with the IVF nurse, who was full of questions about my "homework." They need our financial agreement, and a plan for P's blood testing, and results from my most recent breast exam and pap smear. Dr B also has me on BCPs this month to regulate the length of my cycle. So, what I thought would be a quick baseline U/S appointment turned out to be U/S, high risk discussion, homework assignments, blood work, and 2 Rx's before I was free to go back to work. OK, I get it, IVF IS A BIG DEAL.
Oh, yes, and I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) scheduled for Thursday, which they outsource to a woman who does them all the time. The nurse said women who have had this test before tell her this womans technique is "less uncomfortable." (I sure hope that's true because I read one blogger's experience taht sounded awful.) Even though it's "less uncomfortable" I have an Rx for and antibiotic and insturctions to take 600-800mg of ibuprofen prior to the procedure. Here's my question if anyone is reading: my appointment is at 8:30am, will be able to go to work in the afternoon of do I need to take a full day off?
This appt stressed me out. There is so much I have to do in this process and started to worry about how much work I will miss. I was convinced I needed to tell my boss that we're trying to get pregnant, hence all of the appointments, because I'm not good at secrets or hiding the truth. I also don't want to abuse my exempt status by taking more time than I'm giving. P was great at talking me through it, and we came up with a plan. In my regular 1:1 meeting with my boss I said I am working on some medical stuff and will have 1-2 appts per week for the next several months. I told her I didn't want to abuse the schedule and was willing to take some PTO but not a 4-hour chunk for every appt (which is our standard minimum). She didn't bat an eye, and told me not to worry about it. As long as I get my work done and my appts are really an hour and I'm able to come back to work, I don't need to use PTO. Phew, that was such a relief to be open and honest without being prodded for further detail and I don't have to use up a bunch of my PTO.
When we scheduled the blood test Dr B also recommended scheduling a consultation for IVF the following day, which could be cancelled if we got a BFP and would keep us on schedule to start IVF with my next cycle if we wanted to move forward. So we went to the consultation with Dr B, who we love. She gave us stats and info on women my age and answered our questions. P got all teary hearing that even though we're a gay couple and hadn't tried on our own before coming to the clinic, our chances of being successful with IUI's is very slim. I think she continued holding out hope that we did not need to move on to such a complicated and invasive method. She heard what she neded to hear in order to feel like moving on to IVF was the right thing for us. With that decided, we met with the IVF nurse about paperwork and all of the steps involved. We've done all of our IUIs at the clinic so it sounded like a familiar process until we get to the third month.
When AF arrived on Wednesday I scheduled my baseline U/S. I went to the appt Thursday and that is when it hit me this is a big deal. My ovaries look normal (for me, with many small cysts)but then Dr B launches into a discussion about me being a high risk for hyperstimulation. I thought that was a good thing - lots of eggs to choose from - and she had to explain how serious it can be. It's not the eggs but the bodily response to producing so many eggs that is very risky. It could mean freezing all of my embryos, waiting a month for my body to recover and regulate, and then do an FET. Hmm, so you're saying this could be be a 4 month process instead of 3. Next I met with the IVF nurse, who was full of questions about my "homework." They need our financial agreement, and a plan for P's blood testing, and results from my most recent breast exam and pap smear. Dr B also has me on BCPs this month to regulate the length of my cycle. So, what I thought would be a quick baseline U/S appointment turned out to be U/S, high risk discussion, homework assignments, blood work, and 2 Rx's before I was free to go back to work. OK, I get it, IVF IS A BIG DEAL.
Oh, yes, and I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) scheduled for Thursday, which they outsource to a woman who does them all the time. The nurse said women who have had this test before tell her this womans technique is "less uncomfortable." (I sure hope that's true because I read one blogger's experience taht sounded awful.) Even though it's "less uncomfortable" I have an Rx for and antibiotic and insturctions to take 600-800mg of ibuprofen prior to the procedure. Here's my question if anyone is reading: my appointment is at 8:30am, will be able to go to work in the afternoon of do I need to take a full day off?
This appt stressed me out. There is so much I have to do in this process and started to worry about how much work I will miss. I was convinced I needed to tell my boss that we're trying to get pregnant, hence all of the appointments, because I'm not good at secrets or hiding the truth. I also don't want to abuse my exempt status by taking more time than I'm giving. P was great at talking me through it, and we came up with a plan. In my regular 1:1 meeting with my boss I said I am working on some medical stuff and will have 1-2 appts per week for the next several months. I told her I didn't want to abuse the schedule and was willing to take some PTO but not a 4-hour chunk for every appt (which is our standard minimum). She didn't bat an eye, and told me not to worry about it. As long as I get my work done and my appts are really an hour and I'm able to come back to work, I don't need to use PTO. Phew, that was such a relief to be open and honest without being prodded for further detail and I don't have to use up a bunch of my PTO.
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