My body is telling me something. I have woken up between 5:30-6:00am for the last 5 days (I usually get up at 7) with an upset stomach. I take a low dose SSRI daily to manage anxiety, but every once in awhile something stresses me so much that I get a miserable flare up. The early waking and upset stomach are some classic signs for me, and they are usually accompanied by circling thoughts of worry. This time (so far) I don't have the worried thoughts, so it is completely clear to me the root source of my anxiety, all I know is that my body is telling me I'm wound up tight.
It's not really surprising that someone who suffers from anxiety would have a particularly hard time with it while TTC. People who don't have anxiety share a lot of "what ifs" related to process and outcome. I am questioning whether I will produce enough healthy follicles? What if I produce too many and get hyperstimulated? What if I don't get pregnant? In my 5th and 6th IUI cycles I felt like I knew it would take IVF, and I guess I expected that would work for us. Now that we're here, about to try IVF I'm not as confident.
I know it is best to be optimistic and I think I need inspiration so I'm rethinking my plan to only follow TTC blogs. There are so many blogs out there I had decided to focus on building community with people in the same place as me. While that is helpful, I've only been following TTC blogs for about 6 weeks and so far no one has gotten the BFP. Perhaps I should also follow a couple people who have had recent success with IVF. So, who should I read up on and follow?
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Growing UP
Yep, yep, yep. Apparently I've been growing UP! I had my annual physical with my PCP today and they measured my height at 5' 1-1/2"! Now, if you've been 5' 3/4" all of your adult life, like I have, this is a big deal! I was so surprised the nurse said, "I can measure you again," and I replied, "No, I'll take 5' 1-1/2"!" I was standing tall, but I didn't have shoes on and I wasn't on my toes.
This is a good day!
This is a good day!
Monday, July 25, 2011
Overwhelmed
I know that some people are excited to get their calendars, because it makes it all seem real. I, on the other hand, feel like my head might explode. How am I going to keep up with all of this? It's another dose of reality, this is a big deal.
Backing up...I went to the bathroom about an hour before my appointment for my trial transfer and doppler ultrasound. Fortunatly I remembered rather quickly that I was supposed to have a full bladder and basically chugged a 20oz bottle of water. Dr B called me an overachiever on the full bladder request, phew! As far as I understand everything looks good on those two tests. Then they took 5 vials of blood for all of my "pre-cycle blood tests". Next, we met with a nurse to go over our calendar. Ah, yes, the official yet flexible calendar.
The calendar is based on a projection of my next CD1 being August 8. Currently I'm on birth control to help regulate the length of my cycle, but if AF doesn't arrive by the 8th the whole calendar gets revised. Just looking at all of those dates and meds and tests stresses me out. This is a big investment of time, emotion, and money. For a split second I wondered if I could handle it. Then I reminded myself I always stress out looking at the big picture, and I get to my goals one day at a time. I like the quote, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step."
I came home tonight and put the important dates into my google calendar. Dates of appointments, date to start each med, date to stop each med. The calendar they gave me at the clinic with 6 check boxes for each day can be put aside for almost a month. I don't need to fret about all of those details now. As we wrap up appointments at the clinic I try to be good about asking, "So our next steps are x, y, and z, right?" I need to focus on taking one step at a time.
Backing up...I went to the bathroom about an hour before my appointment for my trial transfer and doppler ultrasound. Fortunatly I remembered rather quickly that I was supposed to have a full bladder and basically chugged a 20oz bottle of water. Dr B called me an overachiever on the full bladder request, phew! As far as I understand everything looks good on those two tests. Then they took 5 vials of blood for all of my "pre-cycle blood tests". Next, we met with a nurse to go over our calendar. Ah, yes, the official yet flexible calendar.
The calendar is based on a projection of my next CD1 being August 8. Currently I'm on birth control to help regulate the length of my cycle, but if AF doesn't arrive by the 8th the whole calendar gets revised. Just looking at all of those dates and meds and tests stresses me out. This is a big investment of time, emotion, and money. For a split second I wondered if I could handle it. Then I reminded myself I always stress out looking at the big picture, and I get to my goals one day at a time. I like the quote, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step."
I came home tonight and put the important dates into my google calendar. Dates of appointments, date to start each med, date to stop each med. The calendar they gave me at the clinic with 6 check boxes for each day can be put aside for almost a month. I don't need to fret about all of those details now. As we wrap up appointments at the clinic I try to be good about asking, "So our next steps are x, y, and z, right?" I need to focus on taking one step at a time.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
No Big Deal
I had my HSG this morning and I am pleased to report it was no big deal. I was hoping that would be my experience, but some nerves crept in after reading this post. As I said previously, Dr B refers her patients to someone who does these all the time becuase it makes a big difference for the patient. I think she is right.
At the last minute P was able to get out of work long enough to go with me! They let her sit next to me in the imaging room, wearing one of those big, heavy, protective aprons. The staff was great. They explained the procedure before starting and again in each step. I asked for an extra small speculum but they wanted to try a small because it was plastic with a light (their extra small is metal with no light), and really getting that in was the most painful part. I had some mild cramping when they put the dye in, but when I say mild I mean it felt similar to menstrual cramps but less severe. The whole process took 5-10 minutes, they told me everything looked "beautiful" and now I get to enjoy the rest of my day off.
In other news, I was quite excited to get my first comment this morning!
At the last minute P was able to get out of work long enough to go with me! They let her sit next to me in the imaging room, wearing one of those big, heavy, protective aprons. The staff was great. They explained the procedure before starting and again in each step. I asked for an extra small speculum but they wanted to try a small because it was plastic with a light (their extra small is metal with no light), and really getting that in was the most painful part. I had some mild cramping when they put the dye in, but when I say mild I mean it felt similar to menstrual cramps but less severe. The whole process took 5-10 minutes, they told me everything looked "beautiful" and now I get to enjoy the rest of my day off.
In other news, I was quite excited to get my first comment this morning!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
My Heart Sank
I have been following In Flux's blog and my heart sank when I read this post this morning.
The BFNs are miserable (each one worse than the previous, in my opinion), but I haven't thought about the end of the line being a BFN and it could be. I was shaken by the transition to starting an IVF cycle after IUIs, what will happen to me if IVF doesn't work? So many of you in blogland have pulled yourselves up by the bootstraps and kept on trying. That is the hope that I hold onto and appreciate.
At the same time, I have learned it is important to *imagine* what my friends are going through. I used to say, "I can't imagine...," when I really meant, "I don't want to imagine...." While imagining is hard and usually terrifying/horrifying/depressing, it helps me be a more sensitive and caring friend. Of course I can't really *know* what my friend is experiencing, but I can at least do my best to imagine.
So today I imagine what J and M are going through. The disappointment is raw and the questions about what life will look like going forward are plentiful. My heart breaks for them.
The BFNs are miserable (each one worse than the previous, in my opinion), but I haven't thought about the end of the line being a BFN and it could be. I was shaken by the transition to starting an IVF cycle after IUIs, what will happen to me if IVF doesn't work? So many of you in blogland have pulled yourselves up by the bootstraps and kept on trying. That is the hope that I hold onto and appreciate.
At the same time, I have learned it is important to *imagine* what my friends are going through. I used to say, "I can't imagine...," when I really meant, "I don't want to imagine...." While imagining is hard and usually terrifying/horrifying/depressing, it helps me be a more sensitive and caring friend. Of course I can't really *know* what my friend is experiencing, but I can at least do my best to imagine.
So today I imagine what J and M are going through. The disappointment is raw and the questions about what life will look like going forward are plentiful. My heart breaks for them.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Takin' it Up a Notch
Last Sunday (7/10) we got my 6th IUI BFN. On the one hand I wasn't surprised, why should this one work when the last 5 haven't? On the other hand, I was disappointed because I really wanted this to work.
When we scheduled the blood test Dr B also recommended scheduling a consultation for IVF the following day, which could be cancelled if we got a BFP and would keep us on schedule to start IVF with my next cycle if we wanted to move forward. So we went to the consultation with Dr B, who we love. She gave us stats and info on women my age and answered our questions. P got all teary hearing that even though we're a gay couple and hadn't tried on our own before coming to the clinic, our chances of being successful with IUI's is very slim. I think she continued holding out hope that we did not need to move on to such a complicated and invasive method. She heard what she neded to hear in order to feel like moving on to IVF was the right thing for us. With that decided, we met with the IVF nurse about paperwork and all of the steps involved. We've done all of our IUIs at the clinic so it sounded like a familiar process until we get to the third month.
When AF arrived on Wednesday I scheduled my baseline U/S. I went to the appt Thursday and that is when it hit me this is a big deal. My ovaries look normal (for me, with many small cysts)but then Dr B launches into a discussion about me being a high risk for hyperstimulation. I thought that was a good thing - lots of eggs to choose from - and she had to explain how serious it can be. It's not the eggs but the bodily response to producing so many eggs that is very risky. It could mean freezing all of my embryos, waiting a month for my body to recover and regulate, and then do an FET. Hmm, so you're saying this could be be a 4 month process instead of 3. Next I met with the IVF nurse, who was full of questions about my "homework." They need our financial agreement, and a plan for P's blood testing, and results from my most recent breast exam and pap smear. Dr B also has me on BCPs this month to regulate the length of my cycle. So, what I thought would be a quick baseline U/S appointment turned out to be U/S, high risk discussion, homework assignments, blood work, and 2 Rx's before I was free to go back to work. OK, I get it, IVF IS A BIG DEAL.
Oh, yes, and I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) scheduled for Thursday, which they outsource to a woman who does them all the time. The nurse said women who have had this test before tell her this womans technique is "less uncomfortable." (I sure hope that's true because I read one blogger's experience taht sounded awful.) Even though it's "less uncomfortable" I have an Rx for and antibiotic and insturctions to take 600-800mg of ibuprofen prior to the procedure. Here's my question if anyone is reading: my appointment is at 8:30am, will be able to go to work in the afternoon of do I need to take a full day off?
This appt stressed me out. There is so much I have to do in this process and started to worry about how much work I will miss. I was convinced I needed to tell my boss that we're trying to get pregnant, hence all of the appointments, because I'm not good at secrets or hiding the truth. I also don't want to abuse my exempt status by taking more time than I'm giving. P was great at talking me through it, and we came up with a plan. In my regular 1:1 meeting with my boss I said I am working on some medical stuff and will have 1-2 appts per week for the next several months. I told her I didn't want to abuse the schedule and was willing to take some PTO but not a 4-hour chunk for every appt (which is our standard minimum). She didn't bat an eye, and told me not to worry about it. As long as I get my work done and my appts are really an hour and I'm able to come back to work, I don't need to use PTO. Phew, that was such a relief to be open and honest without being prodded for further detail and I don't have to use up a bunch of my PTO.
When we scheduled the blood test Dr B also recommended scheduling a consultation for IVF the following day, which could be cancelled if we got a BFP and would keep us on schedule to start IVF with my next cycle if we wanted to move forward. So we went to the consultation with Dr B, who we love. She gave us stats and info on women my age and answered our questions. P got all teary hearing that even though we're a gay couple and hadn't tried on our own before coming to the clinic, our chances of being successful with IUI's is very slim. I think she continued holding out hope that we did not need to move on to such a complicated and invasive method. She heard what she neded to hear in order to feel like moving on to IVF was the right thing for us. With that decided, we met with the IVF nurse about paperwork and all of the steps involved. We've done all of our IUIs at the clinic so it sounded like a familiar process until we get to the third month.
When AF arrived on Wednesday I scheduled my baseline U/S. I went to the appt Thursday and that is when it hit me this is a big deal. My ovaries look normal (for me, with many small cysts)but then Dr B launches into a discussion about me being a high risk for hyperstimulation. I thought that was a good thing - lots of eggs to choose from - and she had to explain how serious it can be. It's not the eggs but the bodily response to producing so many eggs that is very risky. It could mean freezing all of my embryos, waiting a month for my body to recover and regulate, and then do an FET. Hmm, so you're saying this could be be a 4 month process instead of 3. Next I met with the IVF nurse, who was full of questions about my "homework." They need our financial agreement, and a plan for P's blood testing, and results from my most recent breast exam and pap smear. Dr B also has me on BCPs this month to regulate the length of my cycle. So, what I thought would be a quick baseline U/S appointment turned out to be U/S, high risk discussion, homework assignments, blood work, and 2 Rx's before I was free to go back to work. OK, I get it, IVF IS A BIG DEAL.
Oh, yes, and I have my HSG (hysterosalpingogram) scheduled for Thursday, which they outsource to a woman who does them all the time. The nurse said women who have had this test before tell her this womans technique is "less uncomfortable." (I sure hope that's true because I read one blogger's experience taht sounded awful.) Even though it's "less uncomfortable" I have an Rx for and antibiotic and insturctions to take 600-800mg of ibuprofen prior to the procedure. Here's my question if anyone is reading: my appointment is at 8:30am, will be able to go to work in the afternoon of do I need to take a full day off?
This appt stressed me out. There is so much I have to do in this process and started to worry about how much work I will miss. I was convinced I needed to tell my boss that we're trying to get pregnant, hence all of the appointments, because I'm not good at secrets or hiding the truth. I also don't want to abuse my exempt status by taking more time than I'm giving. P was great at talking me through it, and we came up with a plan. In my regular 1:1 meeting with my boss I said I am working on some medical stuff and will have 1-2 appts per week for the next several months. I told her I didn't want to abuse the schedule and was willing to take some PTO but not a 4-hour chunk for every appt (which is our standard minimum). She didn't bat an eye, and told me not to worry about it. As long as I get my work done and my appts are really an hour and I'm able to come back to work, I don't need to use PTO. Phew, that was such a relief to be open and honest without being prodded for further detail and I don't have to use up a bunch of my PTO.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Hello Strangers!
Here is the back story...
P and I started down the TTC path over a year ago. She is a 40-something and I'm a 30-something, which makes me the obvious choice to carry our baby. It's not that simple, though, as I have never had a regular cycle and I have multi-cystic ovaries.
In spring 2010 we were so ready to start TTC, but ended up having a very drawn out series of appointments and referrals (see TTC Timeline). We finally jumped through all of the necessary hoops and did a clomid challenge with IUI in October 2010. I was fortunate to responde to clomid with no side effects. I was so excited and hopeful, so the BFN hit me hard, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT PREGNANT? It is such a roller coaster going from high hope, to deep disappointment, to needing to build hope for the next cycle that has already begun.
In my 3rd clomid cycle our hopes were dashed even earlier, because I didn't produce any follicles. I took provera to induce AF, then Dr B prescribed an increased dose of clomid just before she left on maternity leave. It was a struggle to be optimistic (even thought I knew it was important). I responded to the increased dose in my 4th clomid cycle, but failed to respond again in my 5th clomid cycle. The NP, in consultation with another RE at the clinic, recommended I switch from clomid to letrizole to see if I would hav a more consistent response. While thankfully I did respond consistently, unfortunately I got 3 more BFNs. Our plan was to do 6 IUIs and if I didn't get pregnant then move on to IVF, which is where we are now.
During my 5th TWW we met up with a group of friends I worked with at a summer camp during college. It turned out to be an unexpected and refreshing source of community. I hadn't connected the fact that every lesbian couple was either parenting a toddler, pregnant, or TTC. One person said she appreciated reading blogs when she was TTC and pregnant and recommended it as a source of community. When I got home I took that advice and have enjoyed reading stories so similar to my own. I've decided to jump in and start my own. Even if no one follows it I find writing to be a therapeutic and helpful process.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)